We have something to confess: We love you.
We’ve been feeling like this for a long time, but we were just so afraid of saying it because we didn’t want to get our hearts broken. What if you love another writer more than us, or worse—another outlet? What if our feelings are so much stronger than your feelings? It took a lot for us to allow ourselves to fall in love again, and we don’t think we could handle the heartbreak we would have to face if you don’t love us back. We love you, internet, and we are ready to be your wife.
Tonight’s Bachelor was a veritable nightmare for those of us who fear those three little words and all the weight they apparently carry, according to every romantic TV relationship ever. Caila said it, Ben didn’t say it back. Jojo said it, Ben said it back. Lauren B said it, and Ben also said it back. That right there is a great little summary of what went down in Jamaica, minus all the messy tears and drawn out discussions about how hard it is to be a dude in love with two different women, and not a dude in love with one or even three different women.
Either one of those scenarios would have made tonight easier in some way, but no such luck for Ben. He instead had to spend fantasy suite week agonizing over his love for two women and not the other while relaxing in paradise.
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That meant that there were an awful lot of shots of Ben sitting sadly in the rainforest, or of Caila staring at the ocean, or of Lauren B and Jojo cradling mugs while staring out the window, pondering “those three words.”
Caila’s date involved very casual bamboo river rafting, and had us flashing back to all the times we’ve ridden the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland. It’s a ride that always sounds like a good idea, but things just get awkward when you realize you’re not actually going anywhere, and that all the crocodiles are made of plastic. Disappointment abounds, even when their cruise ends in grilled meat and straws stuck in coconuts. Something’s really off for both of them, and we just feel like Caila should have known what was coming.
“I’m in love with you,” she eventually got around to saying, and was met with a silent kiss. Fortunately for her in that moment, she didn’t know it was totally a thing for the Bachelor to say it back at this stage in the game. He invited her to the fantasy suite, and she accepted, so while fireworks exploded outside the window, they awkwardly made out in their bathing suits. The whole date was just there, and we felt uncomfortable while we watched Caila assert that she knew Ben was also in love with her based on not a lot more than a feeling she got from his eyes.
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Lauren’s date came next, and it also involved water transportation, but this time it ended with a visit from a nice old man in a polo shirt. He was there to help Ben and Lauren release baby turtles into the wild.
“This is one of my dreams,” Lauren B said, right before she hoped her relationship with Ben would last as long as sea turtles can live.
They both revealed to each other that they think the other person is too good for them, and eventually made it up to the fantasy suite where the beans finally spilled.
“I’m completely in love with you,” Lauren said.
“I’ve known for a while that I’m in love with you too,” Ben responded, which, you know, we knew he was going to do, but it still felt weird to hear him say it.
The two of them seemingly spent the night repeating over and over how much they love each other, and laughing about how weird it is that they both love each other.
Jojo’s date, then, felt even weirder than Lauren’s did. They gave up on the boats and got straight in the water themselves this time, while she went on about how she wanted to tell him she loved him, but knew she couldn’t get validation for that until she was the last one left. So imagine her surprise when, after jumping off of a waterfall left her more open and willing to take risks, she said it, and he said it back!
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“Babe!” she whined, but Ben was sure of it. However, he’s totally thrown off by her contentious family, and it was time to tell Jojo exactly what went down between him and her brothers. She was frustrated as hell, but just sure that her brothers would love Ben if they got to know him more.
After they spent the night together, they fed each other fruit and told each other they were cute, and then Ben took a walk. As he waded into the ocean, he explained that he was totally and fully in love with Lauren and Jojo, but when Caila said she loved him, he just couldn’t say it back. He had made his decision, but he just happened to make it at the exact same time Caila decided to come surprise him as he stared off into the Jamaican distance.
Since Ben is a proven good guy, he immediately let Caila know that he was not picking her, even though she was exactly what he described as his perfect wife when he first started this whole thing. She took it pretty OK for a minute. She cried, but not a lot, and then got back in the car. The car was about to drive away, until Caila got back out.
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“Did you know this week?” she asked, and he promised that he didn’t know, until all three women told him their feelings. She got back in the car and sobbed as she put on her seatbelt, which was considerate of her for all the impressionable children watching. She cried in the car, he cried on some steps, and we were all “end of episode!”
We were wrong. There was still a rose ceremony to be had even though there was no point to that at all. Ben gave Jojo a rose, then Lauren, and then they all hugged awkwardly. Really awkwardly. Like Voldemort hugging Draco awkwardly. Ben tried to make things fun by throwing his hands in the air like he just don’t care, but there was no recovering from sharing a hug with both the women you’re in love with at the same time.
There is just no way this ends well, which is great for TV, but bad for human emotions. Next week is the Women Tell All special, but the week after that, we get to find out who’s going to be totally heartbroken in front of the entire country, and we can’t wait!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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