What an intriguing sequence of events this evening.
We were all jazzed about how fun it seemed like this season’s guys are, given the fact that they were spending their mansion time having a sing along, until things took a turn for the Chad.
Last week, Chad put himself on our watch list simply by having the name Chad, but also by previewing his annoying habit of explaining what he believes JoJo wants/needs/is thinking at any given time. He continued that habit tonight at any opportunity, and instead of just letting him be his asshole self all by himself, the other guys had to let it be known that they are no fans of Chad.
What resulted was a night entirely of Chad. We saw what Chad was doing during the first group date, which he was not on. We saw what Chad was doing during the one-on-one, which he was also not on, and we watched what should have been his own self-destruction during the second one-on-one, when he referred to JoJo as “naggy” while he was supposed to be fake proposing to her. We also listened to all the other guys talk about Chad, and watched them yell at Chad, and Chad Chad Chad.
There was so much Chad to be had tonight that a scene in which one of the guys ripped off all his clothes and asked JoJo to join him in a bubble bath (complete with rubber ducky) during the cocktail party had to be relegated to after the credits!
The guys couldn’t focus on anything but Chad, and Chad couldn’t focus on anything but how much all the other guys suck, and how JoJo just really needs a real manly man like him—a man who uses protein shakes both as sustenance and metaphors, and a man with the ability to eat his weight in deli meats.
While at first it seemed as if Chad was one of those angry anti-millennials who doesn’t believe in sharing feelings and expressing himself, and who occasionally knew how to make a good point about how it is sort of silly to be writing love songs about a girl you met yesterday, we soon saw that no, it’s just that Chad is evil, or in Chad speak, “a calculating businessman.”
In front of the other guys, Chad was a total jerk robot with no weaknesses. When he was alone with JoJo, he owned a tiny puppy that he inherited from his mother, who just died six months ago, and he has a hard time talking about it. Thus, Chad got a rose tonight, and JoJo’s still under the impression that he’s “mysterious” and “honest.”
Anyway, all Chads aside, tonight we watched a bunch of grown men sit around a pool and stand around a kitchen singing their little hearts out and having the time of their lives. Who cares if Chad thought it was stupid? It was the cutest thing we’ve ever seen. Yeah, we start to panic with embarrassment when one man starts singing by himself, unprompted (looking at you, one of the Jameses), but when it’s a whole bunch of hot guys having a great time scream-singing the name “JoJo?” Consider us fully in love.
There were also some dates tonight, and they were pretty fun too. The first date got the men to put on firemen’s gear and pretend to be firemen, and the three best pretend firemen got to compete to be the best pretend fireman of all in order to get extra time with JoJo. Grant, the man who is an actual fireman, won the extra time. However, the date’s real winner (and the recipient of the rose) was Wells, who nearly died during the first fake fireman competition and then was still forced to compete in the second fake fireman competition for some sick reason. JoJo admired the fact that he didn’t give up despite how he could have died, which is why he got the rose.
On the second date, and the season’s first one-on-one, Derek and JoJo chose between a bunch of different things to end up taking a private jet to the Golden Gate Bridge. It was cute and fine!
The third date involved the hosts of Sports Nation pretending to be JoJo’s big brothers (who we all know are much scarier IRL than the hosts of Sports Nation) and putting the guys into power rankings based on a bunch of entertainingly silly competitions. Singy James was their number one, partly because of the singing, and Chad took the number two spot, because of his honesty, and despite his use of the word “naggy.”
In the end, Chad stayed (along with his new BFF, Canadian Daniel), and some guys went home, including James, the Bachelor Superfan, who we had just decided we loved. We’ll miss you, James the Bachelor Superfan. You got the rose in our hearts.
We guess we’ll just leave you with this, Chad’s incredible protein shake metaphor, which he shared with Canadian Daniel:
“If you’re making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here, and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance.”
This is the best show on TV.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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