“We have lot fun here at Late Show every night talking about the news of the day, but I hope you don’t get your news from me because – newsflash – this isn’t news, this is entertainment,” Stephen Colbert said on his CBS late-night show. “If you want news go to CBS’s John Dickerson, or maybe the Wall Street Journal. But don’t go to some anonymous guy on social media, because a lot of the news on social media is a lie.
The craziest fake news these days is called Pizzagate. “People actually believe a conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton and her former campaign manager John Podesta ran a child sex ring at a pizzeria in D.C. “Colbert said, bringing up to speed any of his viewers who, in fact, do get their news on his show.
“According to the folks with the spider eggs hatching in their brain, Clinton and Podesta have a series of smuggling tunnels that connect to the basement of this pizzeria. But the police refuse to investigate the basement crime scene, on the flimsy excuse that the pizzeria does not have a basement,” Colbert blasted.
“So where did this conspiracy theory start? Apparently some alt-right folks were combing through Clinton campaign emails hacked by Russia and published by Wikileaks, and noticed there seems to be more references to pizza and pizzerias than they had expected. Which can only mean one thing: secret sex ring,” Colbert
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joked. “A lot of uninformed, gullible people fell for the Clinton/Podesta sex-ring theory – people like Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, Michael Flynn” who tweeted a link to one of the fake news reports, adding “U decide.”
“Okay then, I decide a guy who spreads this bullshit shouldn’t be in charge of national security,” Colbert said, taking Flynn’s advice.
“Donald Trump’s transition team has acknowledged that this is disqualifying madness. And they have now done the right thing by firing — Michael Flynn’s son, for tweeting about Pizzzagate,” the late-night host snarked.
For those of his viewers who find this “pretty weird but harmless fun” Colbert informed them a gunman walked into that pizzeria this week to “investigate,” firing off a few rounds but fortunately not injuring anyone.
What you won’t learn from Dickerson or the Wall Street Journal, but will on Late Show: Some folks on Reddit think Colbert is in on Pizzagate because, at the end of his election night special he talked about pizza which the conspiracy theorists pronounced “CREEPY.”
The super sleuths have determined Colbert is on Clinton’s payroll after Wikileaks published three-year-old emails to Podesta, in which a Clinton flak took credit for booking President Bill Clinton on Colbert’s Comedy Central show. Reddit-ers say the emails reveal Colbert is instructed by politicians as to what to say on his show.
“Now, I am flattered that this guy considered it an achievement that he somehow booked President Clinton on my basic-cable news parody puppet show,” Colbert said. But, “this email does blow the lid off what the illiterati call Talk Shows,” Colbert admitted, queuing up a clip of Trump adviser/Infowars host Alex Jones doing that lid-blowing.
This conspiracy goes all the way up to POTUS-Elect Donald Trump who, when he
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was booked on Colbert’s CBS show, did what is called a pre-interview, informing Late Show what he wanted Colbert to discuss with him on-air.
Colbert pulled out a transcript of that Trump pre-interview. He shred it, as his audience groaned and booed. Colbert produced another copy which, he said, he also will not read. because there is an understanding between him and his guests that these pre-interviews are private.
“Here is what these conspiracy theorists don’t get: There is a difference between a conspiracy and an agreement. A conspiracy is what villains do. An agreement is what adults do,” Colbert lectured.
“Look around the country. Wouldn’t you agree we need some more adults? So, Wikileaks, Alex Jones, and the SubReddit subgeniuses – and I mean this in the nicest way possible – Grow the f*ck up.”
