If you thought it wasn’t easy being Shia LaBeoufon the loose, just wait until you see how much work it takes to be Shia LaBeouf under wraps.
The actor has been reporting to duty at the Cannes Film Festival over the weekend to promote his new flick American Honey, and he’s put out an image that is totally unrecognizable to recent Shia-watchers. For refresher purposes, the above photo is how we have come to know the actor—as a slightly grungy Angeleno who would rather don sweatpants at any hour of the day.
We have also become familiar with a few other of his personas. There’s Shia the Lumberjack, who wears long braids and heavy gloves and hauls tree trunks to and fro for sport. There’s Shia the Elevator Dweller, who suffers from claustrophobia for sport. And then who could forget Shia the Paper Bag Head, who..well…that one is self-explanatory.
Serious causal issues aside, it’s been a pretty entertaining roller coaster ride these past few years. Any time the actor had a scheduled press engagement that he was contractually obligated to attend, we braced ourselves with equal parts excitement and dread to see what kind of persona he would drum up. Like just this winter when he arrived to a LACMA-sponsored live read like this, so clearly over the moon to be in attendance:
All of this explains why his appearance and overall persona at Cannes is so hard to grasp. Don’t get us wrong; it’s great to see Shia LaBeouf looking happy to be on a red carpet! But it is just so strange. And out of this strangeness comes a very teachable moment; there are lessons we can learn from Shia’s latest stage, lessons in how just anybody can morph themselves into the perfect charismatic actor in just a few easy steps. Let’s investigate.
1. Show up. Just get yourself there physically. This may be the simplest, yet most difficult, for all the steps. You must put down your remote, exit your house, and arrive to your scheduled destination in a timely manner.
2. Even more specifically, show up to take pictures. At Cannes there is a tradition known as the photocall, in which actors gather to pose for bogs of photographers and then do nothing else. Cannes Shia took it to the next step by also putting on a very nice outfit and combing his hair.
George Pimentel/WireImage
3. Be gracious. Bows are appreciated, as are prayer hands or any other gesture that says, thank you, press, for allowing me to stand here in front of you today.
4. Attend press conferences in which you sit thoughtfully, analyzing every question and crafting the perfect insightful response that is both honest but also promotes your movie really well.
5. If you’re unsure of an answer at any moment, simply place your index finger over your mouth just so. Bonus points for tapping as you think.
6. Show up to the red carpet in your spiffiest and most expensive tuxedo.
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7. Behave like a god damn gentleman. Your coworkers may be tempting you by acting out or wearing ridiculous outfits, but you will stay steadfast in your classiness.
8. Help a lady in heels down the stairs to really drive your point home.
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9. When you are subsequently asked about said helping down the stairs, you will tip your head back and laugh, and give a shrug of the hand as if to say, who me? I do that every day.
10. At the risk of looking as though you have become too serious, show the adoring public how downright jazzed you are to be at this film festival by doing a little jig. Your enthusiasm cannot be contained.
And that, friends, is how you become Shia LaBeouf.
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