Whoever decided it was time to move The Bachelorette from a sunny LA mansion to the deep woods of Pennsylvania is our new hero.
Just that simple move took Chad (you know, the anti-hero star of The Chadchelorette) and all his actions from “creep you might have to avoid in an LA bar” to “oh my god, he’s going to kill me with an ax and there’s no one around to hear me scream.” He was literally given an ax tonight, during a nightmare date involving two men, a woman, and some axes.
He could have done away with Alex and JoJo with one simple move and then headed back to the cabin to finish off the rest. And you know what? We would have watched that. We would have been horrified and we would have been pretty sure (and hopeful) that Ryan Murphy was hiding somewhere in the bushes, but we would have watched, and we would have continued watching next week to see Chad turn his ax on the crew. Yeah, we want a cross between American Horror Story and UnReal and we want it yesterday, OK?
One thing that became clearer than ever tonight was that this show is not, as it claims to be, about one woman’s search for love.
At least for this season, The Bachelorette is a show about how to be a man, and how men think men should be, and what straight men think women want from them, and just all the complications that arise when you put a whole bunch of theoretically adult men in one place at the same time.
Last week, the guys saved the girl from fire. Then they went on a sports show to pretend dating was the same as sports. This week, they got on a stage to express their most insane sexual experiences, and then they played some football. In between those manly activities, they threatened each other, and confronted each other about threatening each other, worked out incessantly, and explained what they thought JoJo wanted in a man. The week ended with a two-on-one date that was mostly sitting in the woods and chopping trees, like only the manliest men often do.
In each case, they did their best to prove they were the best at fighting fires, and the best at talking about dating like it was sports, and the best at having had sex one time, and the best at playing football. Sometimes, JoJo chose the guy who was the best, and sometimes she chose the guy who was just the cutest and most honest. So far, JoJo chooses whatever she damn well pleases when she chooses to choose it, but if you ask the guys, JoJo only wants and deserves the least-pansy man who wins the most at everything, no matter what.
In a nutshell, this is one big dumb, presumptuous group of dudes, and we do not envy JoJo’s place in the middle of them, just trying to keep them from killing each other while also trying to figure out if even one of them is one she’d want to live with for the rest of her life.
They’re like monkeys in a zoo. JoJo’s their handler, and we’re safely on the other side of the glass, camped out with wine and popcorn.
Tonight, the monkeys first had to have a fun pool party before the big rose ceremony. It had seemed like Chris Harrison was going to send Chad home, but that moment was a big letdown. He just told Chad to apologize, which Chad tried to do, sort of, and everything was cool enough just long enough for the whole gang to have a pretty fun pool party.
Evan started bleeding, and everyone looked at Chad, but in truth, Evan just has some sort of nosebleed problem.
One guy even jumped into the pool with a full non-bathing suit on, ‘cause ain’t he just the goofiest? Everybody had a great time, until the rose ceremony.
Both Chad and Canadian Daniel got roses, while Christian, Nick, and Ali were all sent home. (Nick, if you may remember, ruined the alphabet for us yesterday, so we’re not all that sad to see him go.)
Everyone was crazy mad about the continuing Chad situation, but they were able to put that unrest aside for the good of JoJo. Just kidding. They did not do that, but JoJo had a great time anyway on her one-on-one.
She and Unicorn Luke enjoyed a hot tub in the woods, but the hot tub was way too hot, so Luke spent a while just holding JoJo above the water. Then, they made out on a platform in front of hundreds of people just wanting to enjoy a concert, which has surpassed the private concert as our new awkward nightmare.
JoJo and Luke shared some genuinely lovely moments, and we decided we’re fans of Luke.
Up next was the big group date in which all the dudes met some football dudes and learned to play football. You will all be shocked to learn that the former (failed?) professional football player, Jordan, won the rose on the football date, even though JoJo spent all that time making out with Robby on a pool table.
Meanwhile, Chad compared himself to a bear (see the accompanying editing below). He also threatened to go to Jordan’s home after the show was over and…kill him? We’re not sure. He just said he was going to go to his house, so maybe he was just thinking of a playdate? Maybe some Xbox? It was unclear.
Then, the guys all squeezed onto a couch and sat in total awkward silence for way too long, up until Chad and Alex left for the dreaded two-on-one.
That date was literally sitting in the woods, chopping wood, and being awkward, all while we feared someone was about to get murdered. We feel very bad for JoJo actually. This season has not been fun for her yet, and watching 20 guys try to continually prove themselves for you should, in theory, be super fun.
Alex spent the date convincing JoJo that the Chad she knows is not the Chad the rest of us have come to know. Meanwhile, Chad told the camera that if Alex talks about him to JoJo, he will “take his teeth home.” Alex’s attempts finally worked, and JoJo sent him home.
The guys cheered, but we found ourselves sad…until there was a knock on the door of the cabin. Chad had returned to take Alex’s teeth home, we presume, and hopefully he’s literally never going away because he’s just the worst, in an incredible way.
Now we have to wait two whole weeks to find out what happens next, and honestly two weeks has never seemed like a longer amount of time.
Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes, you know what I mean?
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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