The Bachelorette Really Had a Thing for Horses and Heartbreak

It’s been a while, friends. And what an episode to come back to!

Emotions were running high among JoJo and her team of boyfriends as they got to know Argentina, each other, the art of rap, some grapes, and one poor horse.

It was the horse thing that really got to us. Horses were truly the theme of the night, but it wasn’t just about riding them. There was also a long sequence of horse snuggling, during which we became more than uncomfortable.

It’s like a dog, JoJo said, and we wanted to shout out loud that we’ve never once wanted to carefully turn our dog onto its back, sit atop it, and caress its legs and belly. We hated that sentence, but that’s exactly what the Argentinian cowboy did to his Argentinian horse before instructing JoJo and Alex to lay down against the horse and take a quick nap or something.

Did the horse enjoy it? We will never know, but we hope so, because maybe that makes it better? We don’t know. We feel weird about all of this, and we were already feeling weird about JoJo and Alex’s one-on-one date.

There wasn’t a lick of chemistry to be found between them for the whole date, no matter how hard Alex tried to kiss JoJo with his Pringle duck lips or serenade her with the worst freestyle rap in history (which we have memorized: Yo yo, Jo Jo, gots ta go, to the liquor sto’).

The gaucho and his horse could have probably enjoyed a happier marriage than these two could even dream of having, and that was painfully obvious throughout the entire date. When she finally sent him home, it was after 10 minutes of us begging her to do so. Bye Alex!

Up next was Jordan, and his one-on-one involved no horses of which to speak. It did, however, involve grape stomping. JoJo and Jordan stomped on grapes with their bare feet, and then drank the result, and then made jokes about how their feet tasted. Yay!

JoJo then asked Jordan about his family, and things took a turn for the intriguing: Jordan is really close with his oldest brother, Luke, but not close at all with the famous football player, Aaron. AKA, he barely speaks to the reason we were all paying attention to him from the very beginning. He didn’t even think Aaron knew he was on the show at all, which is interesting.

So we guess Aaron will not be making an appearance when JoJo joins Jordan for a hometown date next week, but we bet at least some of the drama between them will be there.

Tonight’s group date with James, Robbie, and Chase had the potential to be our favorite date of all time, and it ended up just being a tad depressing. Because of rain, JoJo canceled whatever fancy plans she had and just hung out with the guys in a hotel room, eating junk food and playing games. It would have looked fun as hell, if it weren’t tinged with the stench of three guys competing with one another for the center of attention. They stuffed fries in their faces and played Truth or Dare, and of course Truth or Dare involved nudity.

Unfortunately, James, who had previously been the least annoying of the three, tried a bit too hard, and it ended up being his downfall.

After the junk food hotel time (and a group party on the bed while they watched the Brazillian version of The Bachelor), the guys got a bit of private time with JoJo, and she got a little bit of confrontation out of the way by asking Robbie about his most recent relationship.

Only four months ago, he had broken up with his girlfriend of more than three years. It didn’t sound like the greatest relationship in the world, but four months is a really short amount of time. (Anyone else just not the biggest fan of Robbie or is that just us?)

JoJo also had a moment with James Taylor, and she told him she was everything she was looking for in a guy. It was quite the confidence boosting convo, which made her upcoming elimination of him all the more cruel.

In the end, the rose went to hallway mooner Robbie, who had recently declared himself James’ enemy, and we had a feeling James was done for.

Luke’s one-on-one, the final date of the night, was about as uneventful as you can get, date-wise. They had a perfectly fine time, riding yet another horse and shooting things, but once again, Luke just proved himself to be very nice and very unexciting, compared to the rest of the guys. And these are even some boring guys! We miss Chad, and we might even miss dopey Alex.

At the rose ceremony, poor James Taylor was sent home, and he and JoJo cried together over it. Apparently nice girls keep dumping him and telling him he’ll someday find a nice girl. He thanked her for thinking so highly of him, and left with most of his dignity still intact, which is impressive.

Next week, it’s hometown time, and we can’t wait to spend a whole two hours playing a fun game of “wait which guy is that again?”

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.