The Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Santa Claus, Unicorns, and JoJo’s Former Bachelor Surprise

Merry Christmas!

Oh, is it not Christmas? Are you sure? Because we feel like we’ve just been given a great gift in the form of the Bachelorette, who sat on Santa’s lap tonight and hopefully asked for a season of drama, more drama, and boundless stupidity in the name of love.

We have absolutely no idea what possessed one guy to arrive at the mansion dressed as Santa Claus tonight, but we thank him for doing so. That big red coat and complete lack of sex appeal (sorry, Santa doesn’t do it for us) managed to distract us from the even more cringe-worthy arrivals that some of the other men tried to pull off.

One guy (the self-described hipster?) decided to use his first moments with JoJo to express his disinterest.

“I didn’t watch last season. I know nothing about you whatsoever.” Cool story dude!

Grant, who was otherwise unremarkable, dropped this line, to the only girl he was going to be hanging out with for the next few weeks: “I’m not gonna fall in love with two girls, I’m just gonna fall in love with you.” JoJo’s response? “Oh my gosh, thank you so much!”

And then there was Canadian Daniel. Oh, Canadian Daniel.

He decided to emerge from the limo with, “Damn, JoJo! Back at it again as the next Bachelorette.”

She didn’t get his reference to the viral internet video, and instead of just letting it go and moving on, Daniel felt he should spend some of his valuable alone time with JoJo to explain.

“Someone made a video with Damn JoJo?!” JoJo asked excitedly after he tried. It was just so awkward and terrible. We guess we can cut Daniel a tiny bit of slack, given that this was probably filmed at the height of Damn Daniel popularity, but that is the only slack we will cut him. After he joked about a guy trying too hard by taking off his shirt and saying “look at my body,” guess what he did? He got very drunk and shed all of his clothes so that everyone would look at his body!

He also seemed to have a real problem with how hot everyone else was, and at one point he poked some other men’s bellybuttons, and no one was sure what that was about. It was all massively unappealing, and every time we saw him wandering the  mansion in those tiny underpants, we got a strong urge to punch something. How everyone else managed to get through the night without punching him, we may never know.

Multiple guys actually went a bit too heavy on the alcohol, and at times it felt a bit like JoJo was the babysitter for a bunch of unruly children, instead of their potential future wife.

On the better side of things, JoJo definitely made a couple of instant connections.

Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, Jordan, gave us some Shawn Booth vibes as he pretty much eclipsed all the other men with his looks, charm, and confidence.

Confidence on this show is kind of tricky sometimes, because it’s so easy to seem like a cocky asshole, but at least for tonight, anyone who had a little bit of confidence was actually a breath of fresh air compared to all the petty insults being thrown around by most of the guys. Compared to a lot of them, Jordan acted like an adult, which is why he got the first real kiss, and why JoJo was literally swooning after being in his presence. I mean, any man who can make the pre-kiss words “I’m goofy, oh I’m goofy,” still sound hot is a talented man indeed.   

JoJo also seemed to find some attraction in Chad, but you know, first there’s the name Chad. Then there’s Chad’s attempts to use “you’re not like other girls” as his main seduction technique. JoJo liked how mysterious he seemed, and he was pretty sure he was just as “soft and supple and nice” as Ben ever was. Sure.

JoJo also had a good time with James, and Santa Claus, and she seemed to enjoy the piano talents of Ali, and Unicorn Rider Luke, but in the end, the first impression rose went to none other than Jordan. So is this a Kaitlyn season, where the first impression rose went to the man she ended up picking, or a Ben season, where Olivia—as some of the guys noted tonight—got left on an island? Only time will tell, we guess, but we have a feeling this might be a Kaitlyn season.

Just before the actual rose ceremony got started, former Bachelor Jake Pavelka arrived, and whisked JoJo away to give her some advice. Yes, Jake Pavelka dramatically showed up during the rose ceremony to give JoJo advice, which mostly consisted of “follow your gut” while all the guys chimed in with a preview of how they would react if they found out he was joining the show. It was dumb, and a waste of time. Goodbye forever, Jake Pavelka.

Anyway, then it was actually time for the rose ceremony, and despite his drunken show, Canadian Daniel got the final rose. Of course the show had to keep the craziest, least viable guy on past night one, because where else would they get their drama and their future Clorox bleachable moments?!

Chinese-Scottish John was sent home, along with Peter, and another guy or two whose name we didn’t yet know. So far, no one we’ll really miss.

Then, the best part of any Bachelor Nation premiere: the super tease! This season, there’s gonna be fights, and police cars, and bloody knuckles! So no “I slept with him and I probably shouldn’t have,” but they could just be holding out on us. Either way, this season actually seems like it’s going to be a lot of fun.

What did you think of the premiere? Sound off in the comments!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.