| Lauren Piester 12. Januar 2015 – 20:00
The Bachelor to the rescue!
After last night’s total Golden Globes overload, we thought today was going to be a total bust in terms of watching a bunch of adults engage in foolish activities that are only ever so slightly relatable to the common (wo)man. Then, we remembered that it’s Bachelor Monday, and we took a deep sigh of relief at yet another night of distraction from that post-holidays depression.
If you remember, we left off last week with a cliffhanger – will Kimberly be allowed back into the “competition?”
While at first it seemed like she might be a little nutso, we actually quickly rethought that assessment of the 28 year old yoga instructor. She pointed out that she didn’t really get a chance to even talk to the guy she went on national television to meet before she was casually tossed away. She didn’t want to miss out on this “opportunity,” she said, like she has been passed over for her dream job.
Chris Soules went to Chris Harrison to ask if he was allowed to break the rules. Mr. Harrison informed him that this is his life – there are no rules (can we hire Chris Harrison as our life coach?). So Farmer Hot Pants went back to his group of potential wives.
“I’m gonna keep her,” he said of the now-a-total-outcast Kimberly, like he had just found a stray cat.
The other girls were obviously pissed, but this is Farmer Hot Pants’ show, and Farmer Hot Pants can “keep” whatever women he wants.
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The next morning, amidst b-roll of FHP (his name from here on out) taking full advantage of his convenient outdoor shower, the other Chris informed the women that for the duration of the show, their potential husband would be living just down the driveway (cue screams). He also gave out the date card, which asked Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Makenzie, Tara, and the dreaded Kimberly to “show me your country” on a date. Makenzie excitedly pointed out the overalls she was already wearing, as if she might get extra credit or something.
“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” said one of the ladies. We don’t remember which one. We kind of don’t want to.
IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: Chris spent the day in a zip up hoodie with nothing underneath. No complaints here.
The first part of the date involved taking off their carefully chosen country outfits in favor of bikinis, but who cares about that? Jillian and Megan decided to take this opportunity to put on their own (highly revealing, in Jillian’s case) bikinis and sneak into FHP’s house to wreak havoc on his stuff and his brick walls and their own heads.
“That is a hard hat!” Jillian said as Megan donned Chris’ motorcycle helmet and actually rammed her head against the wall, to either test it or to compromise its structural integrity. We wish we were making this s—t up.
MORE: Who was the craziest of them all? Check out our recap of last week’s episode!
Anyway, Jillian and Megan made plans to do that again, like, every day, while FHP didn’t allow his dates to put their clothes back on before they trekked it to downtown LA for a tractor race!
Just in case you were wondering, Chris can do an impression of a tractor. He does have a personality!
Ashley I ended up winning, so she and Chris had some alone time. Chris then rejoined them to tell them that the rest of the date would be a one-on-one with…Mackenzie! Looks like those overalls did the trick!
Not going to lie, we kind of love Mackenzie. She’s a sweetheart who likes aliens and big noses. Chris, however, finds these topics of conversation kind of weird for a first date. They raise “red flags” for him. Meanwhile, she’s worried about seeming like a psychopath for having a one year old kid, but after he finds out, he finds her passion for her child to be very attractive, and she gets a rose and a kiss. Slowly, we’re finding out that Chris likes “normal” things like motherhood and tractor-driving, but he’s a little put-off by quirks. Good to know.
Back at the house, another date card is given to…Megan. She doesn’t quite grasp that it’s a date card and not just a love note, which might be the result of her encounter with that brick wall earlier. Or she might just not know how this show works. Or she might be dumb! Who’s to say?
WATCH: Chris Soules is in love, but will he get married?
Chris picks Megan up in the midst of Makenzie annoying the crap out of everyone with her recounting of all the Chris kisses she received the night before, but they’re all about to be real irritated when Megan gets back and tells them how Chris took her on a private plane and a helicopter to the Grand Canyon, and then they made out after he told her she had the most beautiful blue eyes in North America, and then she told him the sad tale of how her father had just died.
“Knowing what I know, I can see a future with her,” he said. He gave her a rose. He wonder if he would have given her a rose had he witnessed that ludicrous display with the motorcycle helmet, which is a thing we may never get over because WHY DID SHE DO THAT?
Back at the mansion, there was yet another date card. This one went to Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Jeulia, Kaitlyn, and Britt, and said “‘Til death do us part.” Is he going to kill them?! Is this secretly American Horror Story: Bachelor Nation?! We would so watch that.
“Death is zero amount romantic,” one of the girls says.
Then, they all get in a limo which parks itself in a weird strange dark place.
“This is literally my worst fear,” Amber says, and we totally feel her, because reality television is terrifying.
Then something attacks them!
WATCH: Chris guesses which dumb things were actually said on The Bachelor premiere
LOL it’s just Chris. FHP explains that they’re playing paintball against a bunch of zombies, which sounds totally fun and we would totally play this game with Farmer Hot Pants. Ashley S, who was our favorite crazy from last week’s premiere, doesn’t quite understand the rules, and then walks around like she’s a bulletproof ghost in a warzone.
“I feel like I’m in, like, the Mesa Verde,” she says nonsensically, “the Messsa Verrrdeeee.”
And she kept going.
“That’s how I feel like, boom. That’s the truth. Boom. That’s how I feel,” are just a few of the things she said, “Go find your own way to the truth.”
Later she told Chris to hide, then quickly forgot about that, and asked if they were in a dome. Then she crashed his confessional just as he was telling the cameras about how sort of bonkers she was.
“You don’t want to lose the whole world, right, but actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul,” she explained.
Marry her, Chris. Right now.
Meet the ladies of The Bachelor season 19
The date continued with Chris giving Britt a “free kiss from Chris” coupon to adorably mirror her free hug coupon, and now it’s time to see who is getting eliminated from this really weird competition over this bland but attractive and very confused farmer boy. It was going quite as expected until it came down to the final rose. Once again, it went to Ashley S. Either Chris is secretly a whackamole himself, or the producers are making him keep her. Or, he finds her entertaining. Who knows? Anyway, she gets to stay over Jordan, Tara, Alissa, and poor second-time-was-not-the-charm Kimberly.
All in all, tonight’s events only confirmed our suspicions that Chris is just a down home boy lost in a sea of city women who are very unlikely to ever survive winter on a farm in Iowa, all any of the women know about him is that he is a “gentleman,” and we’re so very invested in this that we’re beginning to question everything we’ve ever known about ourselves. Tune in next week to see if we even still exist!
Sidenotes:
— Jordan looks a lot like Tara, and gets a lot drunk like Tara, but is not Tara. Jordan was basically drunk for the entire episode, and we were not surprised to see her go.
—”When I went to sleep, I was so daydreaming about Chris.” Isn’t that just called dreaming?
— Ashley I. is a virgin, and Mackenzie is so jealous of her because apparently guys love taking girls’ virginities. Megan thinks Ashley should hide this information until she gets to the Fantasy Suite. We think this is an excellent opportunity for some intelligent commentary on female sexuality on television but that ain’t gonna happen.
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