| Seija Rankin 6. Juli 2015 – 16:26
If you’ve been wondering lately whether Russell Wilson is a better person than you, he is here to tell you that yes, he is.
He is better than you, he is better than me, and he is better than possibly even Jesus himself. And why is Wilson, he of Seattle Seahawks fame, so much better than you? Because he is not having sex. And he’s not just not having sex with any old person off the street, he’s not having sex with Ciara.
But wait, I’m not having sex either, you may be thinking. That doesn’t matter. Because you’re probably just not having sex because no one will have you. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson is not having sex because he has a direct mandate from God. God!
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But wait, isn’t God a little too busy to spend his time conversing with Russell Wilson? you may be thinking. Well, it turns out that no one is too busy to make some time for Super Bowl Champion Russell Wilson. The footballer reminded we plebeians of this fact this weekend during an interview with Pastor Miles McPherson of The Rock Church, near San Diego. He appeared in front of the parish yesterday to discuss his superior relationship with God and his life’s many, many accomplishments, among other things. “Other things” being the fact that he is dating R&B superstar Ciara, of course.
During the interview, in between reminding listeners that he has been drafted to both the NFL and MLB and also is a Super Bowl champion, he revealed that he and his girlfriend Ciara (he’s dating a hip-hip superstar, in case you already forgot) are abstaining from sex. Voluntarily. Because God personally asked Russell to do so.
“[Ciara] was on tour, and I was looking at her in the mirror, and God spoke to me,” said Super Bowl champion and BFF to God Russell Wilson. “He said, ‘I need you to lead her.’ I told her, ‘What would you do if we took all that “extra stuff” off the table, and just did it Jesus’ way?'”
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Of course, Ciara willfully agreed that they should be a non-sex-having couple, because she understands what it takes to be a Superior Being of the likes of Russell Wilson. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy! “I ain’t gonna lie to y’all now—I need you to pray for us,” he told the congregation. “I know y’all have seen her on the screen. If there’s a 10, she’s a 15.”
So there you have it. Russell Wilson has found the secret to living your best life: 1) Date hip-hop superstar Ciara and 2) Do not have sex with hip-hop superstar Ciara. Thank you for showing us The Way, Russell.
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