“A lot of things happened to me over the last two weeks; “I got a tummy tuck,… had my eyes done and I think they look great, I also went to Dry Bar and had an updo. I had my whole body done,” Jimmy Kimmel teased at the top of his first Jimmy Kimmel Live since taking Thanksgiving break.
“But I also read online today that, in February I’ll be hosting the Oscars.”
That, of course, triggered big applause from his Hollywood Blvd. studio audience.
“The producer and the Academy went through a long list of names and, in the end, they decided that, since I’m already right across the street from where they produce the show, I was the closest person to host,” he added, self depricatingly.
“I guess I have to get a tux now, or maybe I’ll wear jean shorts. Has anybody ever done that?” he asked his audience, noting, “We have to shake things up.”
“Marijuana will be legal for recreational use in February, maybe you can pass some of that our on the red carpet before the show, and then we just see what happens,” He suggested to his show sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez. “My goal is to somehow get arrested during the hosting of the show.”
“I had a very nice call of congratulations this morning from the president of Taiwan,” Kimmel snarked, settling in to his first Donald Trump gag of the night. “Just to be clear, she called me, not the other way around.”
(The White House said Monday that US officials have talked at least twice with Beijing over concern POTUS-Elect Trump has unraveled ties between the two countries after his phone conversation with Taiwan’s leader last week. White House spokesman Josh Earnest suggested Trump take briefings from the US State Department before talking to foreign leaders.)
Then, Kimmel announced his wife is “hosting a baby inside her body.”
More big applause.
“So there’s a lot exciting stuff going on. Congratulations to me. I’m hosting the Oscars – and I had sex. Two things, as a teenage boy, I never thought would be possible.”
With that, Kimmel moved on to Trump’s appointment of Ben Carson as new head of Housing & Urban Development, “Which is going to be quite a surprise when [Carson] finally wakes up.”
“I feel like Donald Trump just heard the word ‘Urban and nominated the first black friend he had.”