American Horror Story: Hotel’s Biggest Reveals and Theories: [Spoiler] Is Definitely the Wife, Right?

We sure learned a lot about Hotel Cortez tonight on American Horror Story: Hotel, and of course the biggest life lesson was:

NEVER EAT THE SANDWICHES.

Thanks for that maggot-infested vision, Ryan Murphy, because we are definitely swearing off bread and deli meat for all time!

Of course, there were some very legitimate reveals as well in this masterfully packed episode, which gave us a deeply layered backstory. Let’s count down the biggest reveals and theories.

BIGGEST REVEALS

James Patrick March Is The Worst (and Evan Peters Is The Best). Thanks to Iris’ (Kathy Bates) riveting black-and-white retelling of Hotel Cortez’s history, we now know that James Patrick March—a remarkably different Evan Peters than we’ve ever seen before—was an oil tycoon who built the hotel in the 1930s, and more importantly, a psychotic serial killer with a hankering for torture and an obsession with dismantling all things God-like and religious. “I guess I’m just going to have to kill God. That is my message to the world.”

AHS Is Paying Homage in a Very Big Way to Se7en. Like the 1995 movie with Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow, Mr. March set out to kill people based on a pattern of The 10 Commandments, something that either he or someone else is picking up with now in present day.  Adulterers, parent-killers, thieves and the like are being punished by death in the form of their very sin. [Sidenote request: Any chance Gwyneth Paltrow, who is obviously part of the Ryan Murphy family, could make an appearance this season at some point—perhaps wearing a neck scarf? Can we dream?] 

The Countess’s Blood Virus Has Rules. As told to her new boytoy/companion, Tristan (Finn Wittrock). 1. No aging. 2. No fangs. 3. A “supercharged” immune system. 4. No drinking from the dead or you get really sick. 5. The sun won’t kill you but should be avoided. 6. “You’re only immortal if you’re smart.” So yes, you can die. 7. “Avoid the diseased, the feeble and the polluted”….Which may or may not be why it appeared that The Countess likes to run her blood through the weirdo blonde kiddos as some sort of filtration system, before drinking it out of fine crystal. That’s one creepy-ass Brita.

BIGGEST THEORIES

The Wife of Mr. March Is Probably…The Countess (Lady Gaga). We didn’t see her face in those flashback scenes, but it seems pretty obvious, right? The platinum blonde hair. The wealth. The perfect timing. The Countess said she was born in 1904, and the hotel was built in the 1930’s, so if she got the virus when Mr. March (her presumed husband) died, that would make her eternally late 20-something (Gaga is 29 in real life). “They say somebody turned him in,” Kathy Bates’ Iris said. “I’m betting on the wife. With him gone, she got everything, all those millions.” Hmmm….Either The Countess was married to March or we are being led to believe it.

The Blood Virus Started When Munch’s Murderous Blood Mixed With Acid…Or Something. All that blood spurting into the bathtub had to mean something, right? In a hotel plagued with a blood virus? And since Mare Winningham (the “minion” laundress) is still lurking around, we can probably safely assume Munch is alive, too, and will be popping up sooner rather than later. As for The Countess saying that Tristan “reminder” her of “someone,” and Matt Bomer‘s  Donavon commenting, “you do have a type,” it seems clear that Gaga is still in love with someone from her past, and that someone may or may not be Munch. And that also may explain why all the guys looks so much alike this season.

We All Think Iris Is Dead, Right? And Sally did it? Donovan’s mother sure doesn’t seem to have aged in 20 years and there is clearly a lot of bad blood between Sally and Iris, after Iris pushed her out the window and all.  

What Did John Do? John (Wes Bentley) alluded to doing something for which he was begging for her forgiveness, before their son Holden disappeared off the carousel. The adulterer has already been taken care of, as has the thief, the parent-killers and the migrant workers looking for work on a Sunday. If Hotel follows the path of Se7en (which it may or may not), the following sins would be left–with John perhaps being the offender of the last one (a la Brad Pitt finding Gwyneth’s head in a box, which no one in the history of man could ever forget after seeing):

1. Thou shalt not have other gods before Me.
2. Thou shalt not make idols.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. Thou shalt not murder.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. Thou shalt not covet.

WHAT LIES AHEAD:

The Countess and Hudson’s Mom Alex (Chloe Sevigny) Will Come Face to Face. And parents everywhere will continue to be horrified by every moment of child-stealing on this show. So. Much. Horribleness. Plus side? We’re all hugging our little ones even tighter.

We’ll also see what happened the moment that Holden disappeared. As you might have expected, The Countess was there. Evidence:

LOL LINES OF THE NIGHT

“You know what I can’t wait for? To hunt Kendall Jenner Bitch blew me off once at Coachella. Can I kill her?”—Tristan (Finn Wittrock)

“Kids are the best.”—Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson) after showing Scarlet her bloody teeth

“The victim was Martin Gamboa, a blogger. Wrote for that site, Gold Derby.”—AHS writers either the giving a shoutout to the Gold Derby awards prediction bloggers who support the show, or a fun little diss to those who don’t.

What did you think of tonight’s second episode of Hotel? Tweet me at @kristindsantos with your own reactions and theories. (You know none of us will be sleeping.)